me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
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Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Not all heroes wear capes.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.