*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist