Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
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People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
TODAY
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
can’t bark with your mouth full
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
going to the ER y’all need anything
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends