accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
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Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?