Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
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My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.