The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
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Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Oh hi lol
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Favourite diary entry ever
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?