When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
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Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
*mops up wine with cat*
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.