[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
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If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
cyclists
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!