No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
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Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
rich people when they have to pay taxes
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
April 1st is the class clown of days.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”