*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
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Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson