We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
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How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.