Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
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I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG: