6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
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well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.