Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
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*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.