12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
You Might Also Like
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy