My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
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ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.