In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
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Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Do one person every day that scares you.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I’m pretty like a car crash.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”