“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
You Might Also Like
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together