her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
You Might Also Like
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.