[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
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<- sleeps well with others
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Unimpressed
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.