GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
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Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.