If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
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Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?