[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
The smoothest fall of all time
the simulation is moving too fast
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.