馃槻 WTF? 馃槅
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if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
People always tell you that you鈥檒l blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she鈥檚 gone
– was sara even her real name?
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Well well well…
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.