Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
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toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Always the camel, never the toe.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.