If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
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Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
i will not be silenced
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.