Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
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It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Who did it better?
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh