Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
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Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.