Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
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The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus