wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
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When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
My sex drive has a dui
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.