Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
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Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
That’s fair
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that