Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
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He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”