A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
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I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.