If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
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A small tragedy.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.