My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
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WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
new wife guy just dropped
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
My dog after a walk in the woods.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.