Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
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Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*