This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
You Might Also Like
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
He wanted to make sure😂
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.