Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
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*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner