My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
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Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.