My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
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My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.