dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
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vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.