Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
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Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
When news reporters do sports stories
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Yeah. This was me today.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.