Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
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I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest