Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
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Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.