How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
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The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Shark week, but for squirrels.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday