I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
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they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Labreador
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.