Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
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Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
i choose….tongue
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
never deleting this app.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again