I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
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I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Haha! 😂
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.