Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
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When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
the short answer to this question
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.