if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
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I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
*pronounces UPS like yoops
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack